A Tale of Two Musicals
by MoonSerenity
Summary: What would happen if the characters from BSSM attended a Broadway musical? Here's a look into what coffee and late nights have come up with.


A/N: A friend and I once asked what would happen if some of the characters of Sailor Moon were to attend a Broadway musical. So this is what we came up with. No offense to lovers of Mamoru for the stupidity comments--we just thought it would liven things up a bit. I do not apologize for the comments made about Raoul from the Phantom of the Opera. He annoys me. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy.   
  
~Part One~  
  
"I think we should see a Broadway show." Rei stated suddenly one day, looking up from her book.  
  
Ami continued to flip through her magazine boredly.  
  
"Did you hear me?"  
  
"Yes, I heard you perfectly."  
  
"You aren't saying anything."  
  
"So you noticed."  
  
Rei glared at her. "Come on! We could get Kunzite and Jadeite to go with us...and we could sneak out so Minako and Nephrite don't follow us."  
  
"Yeah right, Rei. Like we could get Kunzite and Jadeite to anything culturally stimulating."  
  
"We could tell them it's full of scantly clad women."  
  
Ami looked up. "Works for me." She stood up.  
  
The girls found Jadeite and Kunzite watching television. Kunzite was patiently trying to explain Earth's history of rock and roll to Jadeite, who was patiently trying to ignore Kunzite while he was watching a movie.  
  
"...And then the Beatles came along. They were pretty much the ones responsible for the music of today." Kunzite was saying. He added proudly. "One of their names was Kunzite."  
  
"Mmhmm." Jadeite mumbled. "Some guy named Kunzite stepped on a beetle. Got it."  
  
Kunzite was reaching for Jadeite's throat when Rei cleared her throat.  
  
"We're going to Earth." She announced.  
  
"Good." Kunzite said, glaring at the blank-eyed Jadeite (he was still watching his movie and probably hadn't even realized Rei and Ami were in the room). "We can go to the rock and roll hall of fame."  
  
"No. We're going to see a musical in New York city."  
  
Kunzite's eyebrows shot up. "You mean, like a play?"  
  
"Yes, Kunzite." Ami sighed, "'like a play'. You're going to get some culture if it kills you."  
  
"What play are we seeing?" The silver-haired man inquired.  
  
Rei looked at the brochure in her hand. "Um...well, there's something in here about a bunch of cats--"  
  
"Boring. Next."  
  
Rei glared at him. "There's one about an actress. It's called Sunset--"  
  
"Boring. Next."  
  
"A western--"  
  
"No way. Next."  
  
Rei gritted her teeth. "There's one about the French revolution."  
  
"War?" Jadeite piped up, his eyes coming momentarily back in to focus.  
  
Ami and Rei exchanged a look. "Yes Jadeite, war." Rei sighed.  
  
"All right, we'll go to that one." Kunzite said.  
  
"If you two want to see Les Miz, then me and Rei want to see the Phantom of the Opera. We'll sit through yours if you'll sit through ours."  
  
"Wait a minute!" Kunzite said, "Wasn't this whole thing your idea in the first place?"  
  
"Agreed, Jadeite?" Rei asked hurriedly.  
  
"Yeah, argue." Jadeite mumbled in response. His attention was rivited back to the movie.  
  
Ami and Rei left the room, content that they had outwitted Kunzite and Jadeite yet again. A fact which they wern't very proud of, considering how easy it was.  
  
Next day found Rei, Jadeite, Ami, Kunzite, and Mamoru strolling down Broadway in Manhattan.  
  
"I can't believe Mamoru had to tag along!" Ami exclaimed.  
  
"I know," Rei sighed, "but I couldn't help it. Poor Usagi was about to go insane, literally. Besides, she paid me four hundred dollars."  
  
"Yeah, and where's my share?" Ami grumbled.  
  
Jadeite and Kunzite were trying to push Mamoru into oncoming traffic. All they succeeded in doing was whanging his head on a street sign. Mamoru stated that the reason they were mean to him was because they were jealous because he had two hundred and fifty-two TV stations on his television. Kunzite said they were mean to him because he was stupid. Jadeite agreed and added that it was easy, too. A battle ensued.  
  
Ami and Rei quickly said they would meet the three of them at the Majestic Theatre where the Phantom played and disappeared.  
  
"How embarrassing!" Ami mumbled as Jadeite's, Kunzite's, and Mamoru's voices rose and echoed down the street.  
  
"Mamoru!" Kunzite was saying, "Who cares about two hundred thousand tv channels? How can you watch that much TV anyway? You're so stupid!"  
  
"Usagi said I'm not stupid, I'm mentally challenged!"  
  
Jadeite laughed so hard he fell over and knocked his head on the curb.  
  
Rei and Ami quickly disappeared into a nearby restaurant.  
  
Half an hour later the two girls were sitting in the Majestic, waiting for the horrible moment when Jadeite, Kunzite, and Mamoru would walk through the doors. Before that could happen, however, something worse did.  
  
"Rei! Ami!"  
  
Their faces drained of color as they turned. Minako was sitting next to them. Nephrite was next to her, looking very unhappy.  
  
"Minako?! What-what are you doing here?" Ami gasped.  
  
"What she means is, we didn't expect you to come!" Rei said, a little too cheerfully.  
  
Minako didn't catch on. It looked like Nephrite might have, but he was too mad to say anything.  
  
"Oh! I heard you guys talking about it with Kunzite and Jadeite and thought it would be nice to join you! I guess I just forgot to tell you!"  
  
"I guess." Ami mumbled. Rei stepped on her foot.  
  
"WE'RE HERE!"  
  
Rei and Ami sunk into their chairs as Kunzite continued shouting. Everyone else in the theatre turned to watch them.  
  
"RAAAAI!!! AMIIII!!! WHERE ARE YOOOOU?!!"  
  
"Kunzite! Jadeite!" Minako yelled cheerfully. "Hi! We're over here!"  
  
By now Rei and Ami were almost under their chairs.  
  
The three of them rushed down the aisle, knocking over an usher on their way past and scattering programs everywhere. Kunzite sat down next to Ami, Jadeite next to Rei. Mamoru stood in the aisle for a moment before sitting down where he was.  
  
"Jadeite," Rei began slowly, trying to keep her voice even, "why are you wearing a huge foam hand with it's index finger pointing up?"  
  
"I was going to cheer during the performance...I was trying to show some support to the home team."  
  
"Jadeite," Rei began again, "you don't cheer during plays."  
  
The general's face fell. "Oh. I guess I should get rid of this foghorn then, huh?"  
  
"That would be a good idea."  
  
Jadeite tossed it next to him. It hit Mamoru on the head. As he was rubbing his newest bruise, the usher came up and informed him that he could not sit in the aisle because it was a fire hazard. Mamoru had a heated argument with him, stating that they didn't have to worry because he was with the person that controlled fire, so he could just tell her not to let the building go up in flames. When the usher didn't believe him, Mamoru sulked. He ended up sitting next to Nephrite, which made Nephrite even less happy.  
  
Finally the show started, and Rei and Ami temporarily forgot that they were surrounded by morons and ditzes as they enjoyed the show.  
  
As soon as the auditorium lit up for intermission, Mamoru jumped up.  
  
"I'll...uh...be right back. I have to use the bathroom."  
  
"We didn't need to know that." Ami said as Mamoru tore down the aisle, bumping into old ladies. She turned to find that Kunzite was crying. Rei noticed Jadeite was too.  
  
"Aww!" Rei said, "They're upset about the Phantom! I'm glad you two finally decided to enjoy theatre!"  
  
"There's no scantly clad women!" Kunzite sobbed. Jadeite burst into hysterics.  
  
Rei and Ami folded their arms and glared at the stage.  
  
"There aren't?" Nephrite said.  
  
"Shh!" Minako said, "Of course there are! They're in the second act!"  
  
"I wonder where Mamoru is." Ami mused after a few minutes.  
  
"I'll bet he fell in." Jadeite laughed. "You know how those girly toilets are--"  
  
"Jadeite. I don't want to hear another word." Rei warned him.  
  
Jadeite stuck his tongue out at her and blew the foghorn in her ear. Three fourths of the people in the theatre leapt out of their seats. Rei seemed unfazed.  
  
Intermission ended and Mamoru still wasn't back. No one was worried, but they were curious.  
  
"Maybe he got mugged." Ami whispered as the lights were lowered.  
  
"If we're lucky, they're holding him hostage." Rei said.  
  
The curtain rose, the musical ensued. Christine and Raoul made their entrance in 'Masquerade' and everyone in row E gasped. Ami gave a low moan.  
  
Mamoru came dancing out on stage, dressed in Raoul's costume, which was a few sizes too small for him. He almost tripped twice before he reached Christine. The poor actress was fuming, but she did her best to conceal it.  
  
"I know how she feels." Ami whispered.  
  
When the singing started, Mamoru realized he didn't know the words. He was beginning to think maybe this wasn't such a good idea as it had seemed when he knocked the original Raoul unconscious with a roll of toilet paper (now that took some work).  
  
So the group in row E watched, feeling a mixture of pity and hilarity at the situation, as Mamoru tried to cover up his not knowing the words to the song by singing 'watermelon' at the top of his lungs (and off key). He continued singing 'watermelon' until the end of the play, including on his solos.  
  
No one found the real Raoul until the end of the performance. He had been tied up with ten rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom.  
  
~Part Two~  
  
"I can't believe Mamoru did that!" Rei exclaimed as they headed towards Les Miz. "That had to have been the singularly most humiliating experience in my life when they said they would refund out tickets if we would only leave."  
  
"I think it was hilarious." Ami said, still laughing. "So Mamoru, why did you do it?"  
  
Mamoru shrugged. "I liked that actress who played the girl--"  
  
"Christine."  
  
"Yeah, and I wanted to impress her."  
  
"I don't think you accomplished it." Rei said. "She looked pretty homicidal after the performance."  
  
"She looked homicidal during the performance." Jadeite laughed.  
  
"At least we managed to get rid of Minako and Nephrite." Kunzite said. "That Vinnie guy was a lot more helpful once Rei told him she was Italian."  
  
"Yeah," Jadeite said, "he said something about 'fishes'. I wonder if they're going on a tour of an aquarium or something."  
  
Rei and Ami rolled their eyes.  
  
They reached Les Miz soon enough, and were seated. Rei and Ami were hoping for an uneventful performance, but of course, with Kunzite, Jadeite, and Mamoru, that never happens.  
  
Jadeite fell heavily into his seat and slumped down in it.  
  
"What's wrong?" Rei asked.  
  
"They don't have food here. I went up to the lobby looking for a good Earth burger or something, and what did I find? A bunch of old people drinking...stuff."  
  
"What kind of 'stuff'?" Mamoru asked, trying to sound casual. "Alcoholic stuff?"  
  
A glare from Rei silenced him.  
  
"I'm starving." Kunzite announced. He turned to the woman sitting next to him. "Got any food?"  
  
"No." The woman--who was at least five thousand years old and whose hair almost matched Kunzite's in color--looked at him as if he was the scum of the earth. Kunzite turned to Ami, feeling very inferior.  
  
"I need sustenance." He complained.  
  
"We'll get food after the play. You should have come to the restaurant with me and Rei instead of arguing with Mamoru in the middle of Manhattan."  
  
"It was worth it. He almost got run over by a bus. Say, that reminds me. Can we stop by the subway station on our way home? Just for a minute."  
  
"Sorry Kunzite, Rei doesn't get paid by Usagi unless Mamoru comes back in one piece. No subway accidents this visit."  
  
"He'll come back in one piece." Jadeite insisted, picking up the conversation. "He'll just be slightly crispy."  
  
"Nope." Rei and Ami said, and that was that.  
  
Mamoru had no clue that they had just saved his life. He was staring at his fingertips with fascination.  
  
The silver-haired woman next to Kunzite opened a peppermint and Kunzite dived on it. The woman uttered an exclamation Ami didn't even realize old people knew, let alone said, as she pried Kunzite off her. Kunzite sat back, munching contentedly on his peppermint as the lights dimmed and the curtains rose.  
  
Jadeite and Kunzite enjoyed this show much more than Phantom. Mamoru was still staring at his fingertips. Rei and Ami doubted if he even realized the show had started. They merely prayed that Kunzite's scuffle with the old lady was all that was going to happen.  
  
Of course, they were wrong.  
  
Everything was fine until Gavrosh's death. As the boy fell to the stage floor (slowly, for dramatic effect), Ami suddenly felt a rush of air by her right arm and looked over at Kunzite.  
  
Kunzite was no longer there.  
  
In the same instant, Rei gasped, "He's getting on the stage!"  
  
A haze of red swam before Ami's eyes as her gaze turned to the stage.  
  
Kunzite had leapt over the orchestra pit--a feat in itself--and was now climbing onstage yelling at the top of his lungs. The ushers rushed towards the stage, but the crowd had already noticed him.  
  
"Gavrosh! Poor little Gavrosh!" Kunzite was yelling, "Don't worry, I'll avenge your death!"  
  
"Go Kunzite!" Jadeite called from his seat, leaping up. He was following Kunzite before Rei could bat an eyelash.  
  
The kid who played Gavrosh was unsure of what to do. He tried to remain in character and lay like a rock on the stage floor as Kunzite and Jadeite ran over to him, blinking in the bright stage lights.  
  
They turned towards the other actors, murder written on their faces.  
  
"You...killed...him!" Kunzite yelled.  
  
Ami and Rei actually had disappeared under their seats this time. They were hiding on the floor. Mamoru was still sitting, and still looking at his fingertips.  
  
"Rei! Ami!" Jadeite called. "Come help us avenge Gavrosh's death!"  
  
A spotlight was pinned on the two figures on the floor of the auditorium. They stood up slowly, murder now written on their faces. Mamoru was finally distracted enough from the sudden light to look up.  
  
"Hey!" He said, "I didn't know Jadeite and Kunzite were part of the show too!"  
  
Jadeite grabbed a sword from a nearby actor and dove at the soldiers onstage, uttering a war cry. Kunzite was on his heels. Rei and Ami watched, horrified and furious (furious doesn't even begin to describe it) as they battled their way towards the barracks scenery.  
  
Ten minutes later they were walking down Broadway again.  
  
"Well," Rei sighed, "I think we got off pretty easy. Sure, we're not allowed to set foot in Les Miz or Phantom of the Opera again..." Both girls glared at the three boys with complete hate.  
  
"I had a great time!" Kunzite said joyously.  
  
"Yeah!" Jadeite agreed. "We need to go see plays more often!"  
  
"Kunzite," Ami said, "maybe we will stop at the subway station after all..." 


End file.
